Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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