addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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