We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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