I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
