I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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