had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Mom said you looked used
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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