he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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