when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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