It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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