I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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