Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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