I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
