He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
how does that bad decision feel?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
