I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
