why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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