Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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