So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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