It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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