I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
