I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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