I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
