just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
