we have officially lost it.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
