I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
