She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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