I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dear god my vagina.
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