I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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