well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
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there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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