"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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