the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
