I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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