just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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