I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
