im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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