dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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