I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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