WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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