The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
