Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
