FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
