You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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