we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
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We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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