Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
