Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
