I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
