im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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