Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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