I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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