I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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