My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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