how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
