Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
