I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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