It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
