broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
