you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
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