Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
