I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
