I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
