last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
