You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
