I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
