Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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