happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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