then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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